I HAVE RETURNED!!!

Yes! THREE exclamation marks!

For those who don't know, my computer died. No res.

Have spanking new 2nd hand computer. I've stopped shivering and the chills are ebbing.

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Blast from the Past

This song was stuck in my head in secondary school

Send a Message - The Robertson Brothers

Flu Sucks

I have the flu. I've got it BAD. Cough, blocked nose, really sore throat, green phlegm and worse of all BODYACHE. I've got the works. Now, I'm a tough guy. I'm so tough, the cats don't piss at the spots I've just pissed on. If I piss on a cat it's never gonna mate again. WTF am I going on about?

Ok so anyway this flu has got me beat. Here's a checklist so you know whether your flu is as bad as mine and you should go to work or just curl up in bed and give in to debilitation.

1. Your body ache is so bad, your left testicle hurts.
2. Your mum places a pink Hello Kitty tissue box by your bedside and you don't mind.
3. You try to stand up and you fall over from giddiness.
4. You try to stand up again and the muscles in your legs give out.
5. Smoking seems like a bad idea.
6. Beer sounds like a bad idea.
7. You can't tell who's calling your cell phone cos your eyes can't focus.
8. The residential handicapped parking lot now has your name on it.
9. You wonder why December is so hot and your friends tell you it's the coldest December in years...
10. You actually look forward to eating porridge.
11. You look forward to going back to work.
12. Even the thought of jerking off is too tiring.
13. You take an hour to write a post with 15 points and only end up with 13.

I'm tired. Goodnight

edit: You know you're really sick when you try to set a date to get laid with fruits...

This blogging thing isn't working...(cont'd)

Ok food's done. Where was I?

Oh yeah.

Nobody (of the female persuasion) has propositioned me for blogging.

I suspect it's cos I'm a guy (and not gay either). I have to use up all my toilet time thinking up witty posts when I could be thinking of other things and all a girl has to do is post up a picture of herself and suddenly she has 326183526180 hits. It is quite impossible to post up an ugly self-taken pic. Even if you look like me.

I'm not jealous.

It's just unfair. Guys have to be extra witty, precise and politically accurate in order to not appear lame. Girls can blast absolute gibberish on their blogs and they'll still get positive feedback. From guys. Guys are stupid that way.

Conversely I almost never see positive feedback given from a girl to a really bad post from a guy. In the rare event this phenomenon occurs, the girl's usually didn't get it or is extremely dumb.

This makes most female bloggers think they're really smart even when they're posting garbage. Does anybody see the paradox here?

STOP SPOILING THE FEMALE BLOGGERS!

Be honest! Tell Xiaxue she's ugly and wears too much makeup and has bad grammar!(Right, Mia?) Tell Dawn Yang she looks like a blowup doll cos she can't move her face! And I wish all the dumbass guys would stop trying to ask girls out through their shoutboxes cos no girl is ever gonna say yes to a shoutbox request. It does however boost their egos and I'm tired of girls running around with over-inflated egos.

In the meantime, guys could use a bit of pampering. To the girls, start leaving nice comments cos guys do not leave sweet messages to other guys on their blogs.

I guess what I'm saying is it's perfectly okay to ask me out for a date via my shoutbox and if you find my posts intelligent, I'm free for sex on Tuesdays (WoW maintenance).




p.s. Mary-kate and Ashley Olsen are legal and freaking hot man. I hope they never get implants. Do they have a blog where I can ask them out?

I don't like Mega Mac burgers cos...

my mouth can't open wide enough.

p.s. Don't eat while watching TV and the guys on Whose Line Is It Anyway are on form.

Commercial break over. brb

This blogging thing isn't working...

My social status is not improving.

I thought I was supposed to become all popular and everything. When I meet my friends for coffee aren't they supposed to go "Hey that was such a cool post the other day man! You're so awesome! I'm gonna go home and write really smart blog posts and be just like you!!"

And the girls are supposed to be like

"Oh my god, you blog? I blog too!"

"And you actually write stuff!"

"I write stuff too but, the interface give me so many trouble like with grammar, and punctuating so I just put up pictures of myself."

"You must be an intelligence person."

"I like to have sex with intelligent bloggers..."


All this is not happening. Why the hell Okay my macdelivery just arrived. Time to eat. Inconvenience regretted...
To be Continued...
Stay Tuned...

Singlish!

It's 3am. (It was actually 2am but if typed that it would sound too much like that song Amaze) . I'm standing in front of my room window, panels flung wide open. It's a really clear night. If I strain my eyes I can probably see tomorrow. The air is crisp and fresh and the fading growl of a motorbiker with a deathwish on the ECP jars the silence a bit.

I think to myself "Wah. Tonight damn nice. Air fresh fresh. Sio hoonkie lor."

I decide to have a late night insomnia-induced smoko. Ciggie pack in left hand, I whip out my last stick with my right hand and in my sleep-deprived stupor I fling my cigarrette out the window and try to light my cigarette pack.

I stare dumbfoundedly at the empty packet I'm trying to stuff into my mouth and exclaim in a slightly muffled voice "WAH! I'm how dumb can!"

I look out my window and watch my last smoke gracefully pirouette it's way to the ground and as is so often the case, my thoughts wander to distract myself from the emotional trauma of watching it's impact oupon the ground. (OK so I couldn't actually see it hit, but it was a 24 storey drop and I have a good imagination.)

I realised I was actually thinking in Singlish. These are my thoughts from this point onwards.

"Wow. I can actually think in Singlish."
"It should be my second language."
"MOE would never recognise it as a second language."
"Why isn't Singlish even a dialect?"
"Because foreigners can still understand it!"

Singapore is supposedly lacking in a cultural identity. Let's make one.
Let's totally fuck up spoken English so badly, nobody but Singaporeans can understand it.

"eh kanina waddafuglol lor. your say england damn buang ftl one leh."

Stuff like this. It'll be awesome. We could even split the dialects into north east and west sides! If any linguists reading this have any ideas, mail me. This might actually be fun.

Yeah I know this is bloody random. I don't care.

I go buy hoonkie liao.