Singlish!

It's 3am. (It was actually 2am but if typed that it would sound too much like that song Amaze) . I'm standing in front of my room window, panels flung wide open. It's a really clear night. If I strain my eyes I can probably see tomorrow. The air is crisp and fresh and the fading growl of a motorbiker with a deathwish on the ECP jars the silence a bit.

I think to myself "Wah. Tonight damn nice. Air fresh fresh. Sio hoonkie lor."

I decide to have a late night insomnia-induced smoko. Ciggie pack in left hand, I whip out my last stick with my right hand and in my sleep-deprived stupor I fling my cigarrette out the window and try to light my cigarette pack.

I stare dumbfoundedly at the empty packet I'm trying to stuff into my mouth and exclaim in a slightly muffled voice "WAH! I'm how dumb can!"

I look out my window and watch my last smoke gracefully pirouette it's way to the ground and as is so often the case, my thoughts wander to distract myself from the emotional trauma of watching it's impact oupon the ground. (OK so I couldn't actually see it hit, but it was a 24 storey drop and I have a good imagination.)

I realised I was actually thinking in Singlish. These are my thoughts from this point onwards.

"Wow. I can actually think in Singlish."
"It should be my second language."
"MOE would never recognise it as a second language."
"Why isn't Singlish even a dialect?"
"Because foreigners can still understand it!"

Singapore is supposedly lacking in a cultural identity. Let's make one.
Let's totally fuck up spoken English so badly, nobody but Singaporeans can understand it.

"eh kanina waddafuglol lor. your say england damn buang ftl one leh."

Stuff like this. It'll be awesome. We could even split the dialects into north east and west sides! If any linguists reading this have any ideas, mail me. This might actually be fun.

Yeah I know this is bloody random. I don't care.

I go buy hoonkie liao.

Move Chuck, Getout da way! Getout da way Chuck, Getout da way!

Why CHUCK NORRIS is AWESOME!








That's Chuck. If you don't know why Chuck Norris is awesome read THIS.

I'm sure you agree. Chuck Norris is way awesome. The man is so awesome, he goes through life with only 3 expressions.

1. The Chuck Norris Squinty-Eyed-Look-Of_Determination. This is the part where he gets sent on a mission or finds out the bad news (his family / best friend / local convenience store owner / per goldfish had died). This can last for up to an hour as Chuck methodically eliminates baddies until he reaches the last boss whereupon he squints a bit more. This is known as the Stare-down
   
2. The Chuck Norris StareDown. The StareDown can be found intermittently throughout the show when Chuck is confronted by moral dillemas (when convenience store clerk asks Chuck to pay for his beef jerky *StareDown*), when engaging baddies in conversation for character development ( Oh Yeah? Watcha gonna do about it? *StareDown*), or when confronting the last boss ( *StareDown* I'm gonna make ya pay, baddie!)
3. The Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. Yes, The CNRhK is so awesome it is considered an artistic expression of life - or lack therafter - in all fields of entertainment. The CNRhK is virtually omnipotent. It can do everything from knocking away aimed missiles into enemy attack/escape vehicles to defeating the last boss after the StareDown when Chuck has run out of missiles, bullets and throwing pies

Who Can Possibly Defeat Chuck?

Yep. Zohan Can.

The Zohan is not as awesome as Chuck Norris. Everything The Zohan can do (The Bullet Catch, swim faster than a motor boat, wall-jump, Crotch Press-ups, etc) can be nullified be a CNRhK. However the Zohan is probably the one person on the planet who can shave Chuck Norris' Beard wherein lies all of Chuck's power!


Ok I've reached the limit of my attention span on this post. I'll end by saying I pwn them both cos I have a remote control.

I Think, Therefore I Am...

...Afraid of LordShade

Emo!

I realise my introductory post said this blog was supposed to be dark and 'emo'. People have asked why it's so 'happy'. They also said it was 'poseurish'. So here's a bit of 'emo' for you...

FUCK YOU! YOU ALL SUCK! DO NOT HAVE SEX COS YOU WILL PRODUCE MONKEYS AND LOWER THE AVERAGE NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT! YOU DON'T GET IT AND YOU NEVER WILL!

Nothing personal =)

muhahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Once In A Lifetime

It's getting dark too soon
A threatening silence surrounding me
A wind comes up from the islands

When distance fades to stormy grey,
Washed out from the deep of the ocean,
Here I will stand to face your wrath,
While all the others are praying

Calm down, my heart - don't beat so fast
Don't be afraid, just once in a lifetime
Calm down, my heart - don't beat so fast
Don't be afraid, just once in a lifetime

No rain can wash away my tears
No wind can soothe my pain
You made me doubt, you made me fear
But now I'm not the same

And when silence comes back to me
I find myself feeling lonely
Standing here on the shores of destiny
I find myself feeling lonely

I had a life to give, many dreams to live
Don't you know that you're losing so much this time?
Beyond the waves, I will be free
While all the others are praying

Calm down my heart

The love in you, it does not burn
There is no lesson you can learn
And there are sounds you cannot hear
And there are feelings you can't feel

Calm down, my heart - don't beat so fast
Don't be afraid, just once in a lifetime
I don't pretend that I love you
And this time I'm not scared of you

--Wolfsheim

RADARS!

MINDEF and the Defense Science and Technology Agency have decided to put a military radar on my roof. My flat is 25 storeys high and I stay on the 24th. I've heard tell that handphone reception, internet speed etc etc do experience some form of interference.

If anybody has any first hand experience do leave a comment or leave me an email at keithlim@pacific.net.sg. We're currently attempting to petition against it.

I Like Getting People Irritated

I was gonna title this post "I Like Irritating People" but that could be taken two ways.

I haven't felt the need to shove any of my opinions through your visual receptors of late. There's nothing in particular I need to rant/rave/rage about and that's what this blog was meant to record.
On the other hand, people have actually been asking me to update this blog, which means there are some people who actually do read this junk and that's pretty cool!


Here's a personal to-do list:

1. Pick up a hot chick at a club. One of the skanky ones who know they're hot and look like they went to the David Blaine School of Extreme Dancing. Then drop her as you're leaving together saying, "Oh man! You're not as hot as I thought. Damn you Jose Cuervo!" Then run down the street as fast as possible.
2. Mumble at someone until they come really close and then scream "I SAID CAN YOU HEAR ME?" **Thank you for this one, Paul.
   
3. Go to a LAN shop. Tell the counter guy I want a keyboard without the letters. "I'm sorry but I just can't figure out where the keys are with all those runes on them."
4. Run into a LAN shop at top speed screaming "HASTE!" Run to the drinks machine and buy a drink. Scream "REGENERATION!!" Then slam dunk the can into a dustbin and scream "DOUBLE DAMAGE". Leave before I get thrown out.
   
5. With National Day around the corner, I was trying to figure out what the Singapore Spirit is. I've realised the Singapore Spirit is all about Goh Chok Tong (not about the pontianak as I initially surmised). There's The Father (LKY), The Son (Lee Hsien Loong) and the Holy Ghost (or Holy Goh). Ok this joke is quite bad. I'm leaving it in anyway. It's my blog.
   
6. Hang out at Orchard Towers late at night and solicit the hookers. "Hi, I big cock! You want? $200 OK? Oi you go where? Come back! Really big cock!"
7. Go Trick or Treating during the seventh month.
8. Beat up someone's boyfriend. "Is that your girl you're talking to? Well I don't like the way you're talking to her." *whack*

Any more ideas?